The First Bit


Hello! So I thought that today I’d start off with putting some old writing of mine up here. You know, not reviews, but stuff like creative writing. So this is something I wrote a couple months ago, and it’s a fractured fairy tale. The idea of posting it came after I read the prompt for the August chain on Teens Can Write, Too! When I first wrote it  I asked a couple of my friends to edit it, but editing a 16 page draft seemed daunting to them (even though I told them it was double spaced. Didn’t make much difference). Only one of my friends actually edited it in whole, and her response was “It’s cute.”

The story is a (hopefully) new take on The Little Mermaid, which I called…The Little Merman. Obviously I was very original, as evidenced by the title. Oh, and another thing: I went by the Disney version, I really don’t like the non-Disney version, since there wasn’t a very good Happily Ever After in it.

Anyway, here is the first chapter of it, and I hope you enjoy . Feel free to critique it, I really need it. I can’t wait to hear what you guys say!

The Little Merman

Chapter 1

What year is it now? Okay, go back a century. Then another. Then another. And maybe another. Alright, that should do. Now the story starts.

A long time ago, in a land not so far away, there lived a young girl. Her name was Lily. Lily had everything: joyful friendships, a loving family, lots of money… what else could a normal girl want? A lot, actually. It also didn’t help that Lily was not a normal girl. She wanted more freedom. She wanted to explore. Even at the tender age of 10, she wanted to see the world. Unfortunately, even as they tried their hardest, her parents couldn’t see why she wanted to go. According to them, she was perfectly fine here. So they set some limits, and tried in vain to squash her dream. It wouldn’t be fit for an inexperienced princess to go travelling about the large, frightening world outside the kingdom, now, would it? Still, Lily would keep questioning her parents on why she wasn’t allowed to go. This was how it usually went.

“Mum, isn’t it so pretty?” Lily sighed dreamily, while staring out a window of the castle.

“What’s so pretty, dear?” asked her mother, barely glancing at her while she embroidered and sat daintily in the sunny part of the stone room.

“Outside, mum. It looks so charming; with all the lovely cottages, the green, grass and the cattle, and far away, do you see that? Mum, do you? Those are the mountains, where they say the snow falls really thickly. And the beach! I want to go there, mum.” She said, looking bright eyed and very excited.

Lily’s mum, the queen of Anthesia, looked warily at her daughter. They’d been through this conversation a hundred times before. “Dear, you know you can’t. Papa and I know what’s best for you. And what’s best for you is to keep you safe. We can do that best if you’re in the castle; however, I can see that you’re feeling rather restless today.” Lily raised her eyebrows, not believing that the queen only saw that now. “So,” the queen continued, “I will allow you to stroll in the gardens, but only if you have two guards with you at all times, understood? You may go now.” She dismissed Lily with a wave of her hand.

Outside the room there were already two guards waiting for her. She sighed, and resigned herself to skipping all the way down the corridor. The guards marched alongside her, and easily kept up with their long strides.

Soon Lily was only walked, and was very aware of the guards’ presence. She glanced at the sea beside her; she didn’t realize that she walked that far.  The sun glinted off the smooth water, temporarily blinding her. Gulls floated lazily above, and the wind off the water was cool. She stood there silently admiring everything, and wished that she could just dive under the water. Little did she know what would be waiting for her underneath if she did…

What’s down there, you ask? A paradise. Not just any paradise. This was a kingdom called Aquaria, ruled by the Sea King Neptune. Soon, one of his six sons would inherit his throne. It would most likely be Seth, since he was the oldest. Young Prince James, however, only had a chance if all of his other brothers had gone, since he was the youngest.

Now, even back then, this saying had worth: “The grass is always greener on the other side.” James, like Lily, could not stop fantasizing about what was on the other side. In Aquaria, the young merfolk couldn’t visit the surface world until they reached the age of 16. James and his siblings were each born a year after the other, so every year one more of them were able to go up to Terra .  James listened to all of the thrilling adventures with happy eyes and a wistful heart; he wanted to go there more than anything, but it seemed like it would take forever.

 

Thanks so much for reading it! I’m kinda nervous, putting it out here, because I’m the type of writer who writes something, thinks it’s good, looks at it 2 weeks later and absolutely cringes at every sentence. Well, not so much with this, but you get the idea. Crossed fingers.

P.S I realized this a couple days after I wanted to post it. My main characters’ names are James and Lily. Turns out Harry Potter influenced me more deeply than I thought.

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11 thoughts on “The First Bit

  1. Hummmm… Interesting, though completely true to the original story. If there isn’t a twist coming, it isn’t worth the read, unfortunately. It’s cute, as your first critique person said, but it’s not sickeningly so. You’ve got the components of a good story, and added to the anticipation a Disney spoof will give you, you could have a really fun story– if you do that plot twist. I’ll read the rest and tell you what I think, because this isn’t quite enough to go on.
    As for the style, it’s classic storytelling, second person style where the narrator is clearly speaking to the reader and responding to phantom questions. It isn’t a bad style, but it isn’t the style to pursue for a longer work. Short stories are good, but for something as long as, say, the 85k novel I’m writing, you do not want second person. I know that now.
    Anyway, good, but I’ll hold the rest of my critique for later.

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